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Your wife or girlfriend tells you that she has a fantasy of being with 2 guys. How do you handle it?

About me

I'm a year-old man and I'm married to a woman, but I have same-sex attractions and have had oral sex with a man before I got together with my wife.

Now, I find myself wanting to experience oral sex with a man again. I've shared this with my wife, and following my confession, she shared that she had a secret too: She wants to be sexually intimate with another woman, and then wants me to them for a threesome. I want to make her happy with her request and fulfill her desires, so should just forget about mine for now?

It's great that you and your wife are open with each other about your sexualities and interest in exploring new relationship dynamics outside of your monogamous marriage.

I'm a man who's attracted to men. my wife is attracted to women, and wants us to try a threesome. what should i do?

But before you even think about getting sexually intimate with a third person, I suggest you lay the groundwork to prevent potentially messy situations. You see, saying you want to open a relationship sounds easier than it really is.

In reality, people who are in successful and healthy relationships, where they're sexually or emotionally intimate with people other than their primary partner, work really hard to make that dynamic work.

As Matt Lundquist, a therapist and the founder of Tribeca Therapytold me, opening your marriage "is not for the faint of heart. A relationship should be in a particularly strong place before considering opening it up sexually. So, sit down with your spouse and have a conversation about how you're currently feeling in your relationship, what you feel is missing both sexually and emotionally, and why you think an open marriage could benefit your relationship.

Consider this chat a check-engine light for your marriage, and be sure to let your wife speak about her experiences, too. If you're unsure how to articulate your feelings, you could try journaling about them before your chat as a way to collect yourself. Lundquist also suggested reading the book "The Ethical Slut" to get some tips on how to approach opening your marriage in a healthy way.

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Then, you can work together to decide whether some sort of open arrangement would be useful to your relationship, or if there are ways you can find the pleasure you've been craving within your marriage. If you both decide that having a threesome or another consensually non-monogamous relationship is up your alley, Lundquist said it's essential you lay some ground rules and deal breakers before beginning to play the field.

Every relationship is different, so you don't have to set a rule just because someone told you that you should, but consider what you hold important.

For example, some couples in consensually non-monogamous relationships ask that both they and their primary partner always use condoms during sex between themselves and secondary partners to prevent STDs and protect their health. Other couples who engage in threesomes might set a ground rule that they must both choose the third person they'll be engaging with together. No matter what you decide, just be sure that both you and your wife consent to the arrangement and keep an open line of communication in case feelings change and you want to renegotiate the ground rules.

And if you decide you're not ready for an open marriage, that's OK too. The way you're feeling about your sexuality, as well as the way your wife is feeling about hers, should also be a part of your conversation.

One thing my wife really wants to try is an mmf threesome

Lundquist suggested talking about potential feelings of jealousy that could arise if you decide to bring more partners into your lives and how you plan to cope with those feelings. Your mutual interests in same-sex sexual experiences may feel unstable and scary at first, because "we tend to talk about sexual orientation in quite binary ways," Lundquist said, like when people assume a person can only be gay or straight, but nothing in between.

Of course, this isn't actually true, and sexuality exists on a spectrum that isn't black and white, gay or straight. In talking about your turn-ons and why you find them so sexy, you and your wife can better understand each other's desires and work together from a place of excitement and love, rather than fear and jealousy. As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo.

Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist. Have a question?

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